There are many widely accepted beliefs about marriage. Some of these marriage myths are very far from the truth like, “Marriage should always be easy.” Anyone who is married can attest to the fact that this is simply not the case! These common beliefs about marriage have become normalized in our society to the point where if your marriage doesn’t fit the mold, you might feel like something is wrong in your relationship. Here are 10 common marriage myths and what experts have to say about their validity.
1. Romantic Love Can’t Last
Many of us believe that romantic love fades after years of being married. You feel a deep connection to your partner, but not the same butterflies as when you first met. Well, for many couples this just isn’t true. According to expert, Helen Fisher, PHD, when she and her colleague studied couples that had been married for years, many of their brains showed the same activity when they looked at a picture of their spouse that young lovers do. Her findings even disproved other experts who believe that intense romantic love only lasts 18 months to three years.
2. My Spouse Should Instinctively Know What I Need
Just because you and your spouse know each other well doesn’t mean that you are mind readers. Without clear communication of your wants and needs, sometimes spouses just don’t know how to make you happy or satisfy your desires. There’s no telepathy in marriage, making this a common marriage myth.
3. You Should Always Forgive Your Spouse’s Behavior
This myth is a little outdated in its thinking. Many believed that a marriage should be saved above all else and forgiveness should always be practiced. Now, it seems to be more widely accepted that sometimes marriages fail or there are things that you can’t forgive your spouse for. There is no guilt or shame in that. The same is true for the saying, “Never go to bed angry.” Sometimes a conflict can’t be resolved right away and forgiveness takes time. It’s important to validate your emotions and not jump to forgiveness if you’re not ready.
4. I Can “Train” My Husband
The whole idea that a man needs to be trained to do things like take care of the house or the kids is a myth. As expert James Tobin, PHD explains, the maternalizing dynamic in romantic relationships is detrimental. Women often take on the role of being the nurturer in the relationship, sometimes taking on the parental role. Husbands don’t need to be trained, and wives don’t need to treat husbands like children.
5. Marriage Is a 50/50 Partnership
While the idea of having a 50/50 partnership in marriage sounds ideal, it’s not practical day-to-day. Sometimes one partner has to pick up the slack be it with taking care of the kids or financially supporting the family. Especially if there are unexpected circumstances like a sudden illness, more of the responsibility may fall on one partner. This doesn’t mean that you have to resent your partner for not pulling their weight. Instead, it’s much healthier to understand that partnership doesn’t always look 50/50, sometimes it’s 60/40, and so on. This will fluctuate however because no stage of life is permanent.
6. Only Couples with Serious Issues Go to Therapy
Maybe blame this myth on the TV industry, because it seems like every couple who is in therapy is either on the brink of divorce or someone has cheated. This doesn’t have to be the case in a healthy marriage. A marriage counselor can help you work through communication issues, family stressors, and so much more. According to experts, therapy can benefit couples at every stage of their relationship, not just when they are experiencing challenges.
7. Conflict Should Be Avoided
it’s a marriage myth to think that all conflict should be avoided. In a marriage, conflict is inevitable but it also might be healthy. According to Elizabeth Dorrance Hall Ph.D., conflict signals that a change might need to be made in the relationship. It also signals that you are living your lives interdependently. So maybe instead of thinking of conflict as a negative, it can be reframed as a way to push the relationship forward in a positive way.
8. You Will Always Feel Close to Your Spouse
Sometimes you won’t feel connected to your spouse. Sometimes a busy schedule gets in the way. Maybe you only see each other for a few hours a day after work. You might not connect over dinner or watching TV. That’s perfectly okay and healthy. Closeness will fluctuate in your marriage, and that’s not a reflection on the strength of your marriage as a whole.
9. Happy Married Couples Do Everything Together
No, you don’t have to do everything with your spouse! This is a common marriage myth. A healthy amount of alone time is pivotal in a marriage. Especially if you are an introvert, sometimes if you recharge your batteries you can show up better for your partner. It’s important to maintain your sense of self even in a marriage. So, doing some things independently is healthy.
10. You Should Tell Each Other Everything
It’s a common marriage myth that married couples share everything. This is not to say that you should keep secrets in a marriage, but there can still be privacy in a marriage. While sharing is key to intimacy, there can still be boundaries put in place about what you do and don’t share with your partner. This can actually be very healthy for your marriage.
Debunking Marriage Myths
Every marriage is different, so don’t let marriage myths bring you down. If you are happy in your marriage one size doesn’t need to fit all. It’s important to not carry these unrealistic expectations into your relationship, but instead, understand what works for you and your spouse.
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